Long read "How to Escape a Toxic Relationship and Love Yourself "

How to Escape a Toxic Relationship and Love Yourself

Relationships are multifaceted. But the main principle of emotionally comfortable communication remains that positive emotions should prevail when two personalities interact. Sympathy, respect, trust, love. But what if it's all about the negative? Congrats, you are in a toxic relationship that hurts at least one person. In the article, we will discuss essential questions:

• What are the signs of destructive relationships?
• How do such relationships affect your mental health?
• If there is any point in fighting for them?

What are the signs of a toxic relationship?

It seems that toxic relationships are very easy to spot. Then why are there so many problems communicating with colleagues, husband/wife, friends, relatives if you can simply cut off all ties? Unfortunately, toxic human behavior is often not considered as such, and we live without noticing what exactly is destroying relationships for years. So what are the actual signs of a destructive relationship?

1. Your "happy moments" are very short. Toxic relationships are like a roller coaster - small cuts of excitement and romance and long ones full of anxiety and uncertainty. You experience negative emotions all the time but still, hope for good. You trap yourself with the hope of a change for the better and do not know how to get out of such relationships. The emotions you experience are intense, unpredictable, and difficult to part with.

2. A short parting seems like a big problem. It's good when you're around. But if not, there are only doubts, doubts, doubts. And most often, the partners believe they are the trouble - not beautiful enough, do not care enough, rude, etc. They think of everything possible, just to justify the other person. While inside, there are many doubts and dozens of complexes.

3. When you say something is bothering you, you are the one to blame. Sometimes you can even decide to talk about your doubts and worries because you want to know your partner's feelings. Sound familiar? But everything will be considered your fault. You are the bad one, and you make all this happen.

4. You always think about him. While cooking, falling asleep, working. Will he like this dress? Or if I say this or that, will he get angry? You spend most of your life worrying about your loved one. You keep losing the people around you because you have only one person to care about in your life.

5. You are afraid to say a word. The other person is in complete control of the situation, and all you have to do is tiptoe and be afraid to argue.

6. He lies often. Yes, people can lie for good (and even then, this is not the best option for a relationship), but more often, there is a manipulation game where they try to deceive you just on principle.

7. Psychosomatic. Due to constant stress, you start having diseases caused by nervous exhaustion. And such health issues can be hazardous.

8. You are emotionally blackmailed. And this is not necessarily a husband - colleagues and your boss at work can do this. They threaten and criticize in the full view of others.

9. You never talk about something serious. Of course, this can be scary for a tyrant in a toxic relationship. That is why you do not discuss the marriage, your plans, and your problems.

10. You can't be yourself. You are a real person with your emotions, experiences, and problems, and you feel you are simply not needed. Accordingly, they are trying to make you more comfortable for them.

Toxic relationship test

You can justify the "weird" behavior of a loved one for a long time, hoping that he will correct it and become ready for a peaceful dialogue and sensible resolution of your joint problems. As a rule, the signs of a toxic relationship with a man/woman are pretty obvious, you just need to assess the current situation in your couple objectively.

Try taking a test to see if you are in a truly toxic relationship with your partner. It is rather difficult to analyze the behavior of an unfamiliar person in detail. But if you have been in a relationship for a long time, it will not be hard to assess the "symptoms" of a toxic relationship. For every statement that is true for you, count 1 point.

• You are unhappy in your relationship.
• After communicating with a person, you feel morally exhausted.
• You feel insecure with this person. 
• You constantly feel guilty about the person's problems.
• The person turns all conversations into a discussion of his own problems only.
• You are worried that the person is trying to control all your actions.
• The person often reproaches you, making you feel ashamed.
• You are scared of what will happen after your following conversation because the person has rapid mood swings.
• Sometimes you do not understand if you agreed to do something because you wanted it or it was a skillful manipulation.
• Your relationships hinder your personal development. Now all the time is spent on solving the problems of the other person.

Calculate your points:

Less than 3: You may not be dealing with a toxic person. All the problems in your relationship are mostly related to another relationship crisis.

From 3 to 7: The chances are that you are intimately involved with a toxic person. It makes sense to analyze whether a particular person brings a lot of negativity into your life more carefully.

More than 7: Most likely, you are "stuck" in a relationship with a toxic person. Listen to your feelings and look at existing problems in a healthy way. It will be easier for you if you end this toxic relationship as it really influences your mental health. 

How do toxic relationships affect your mental health? 

Seth Myers, a clinical psychologist, identifies a number of the most severe consequences that will then have to be "treated" for a long time if you do not get out of a toxic relationship with a man/woman. 

Low self-esteem

People in toxic relationships almost always suffer from low self-esteem and sooner or later completely lose faith in themselves. The toxic partner consciously or unconsciously builds up the interaction in such a way as to take complete control over the situation.

And even if you get rid of toxic relationships, self-confidence and the desire to enjoy every day will not return soon.

Losing yourself

A toxic person is perfect at manipulating their partner's feelings and actions. Time passes, and the victim forgets that once there were bright dreams and plans for self-realization. A person, out of habit, begins to live the way their partner wants. Any means are used - criticism, emotional blackmail, harsh violation of personal boundaries. As a result, a person does not have a life of their own.

Loss of personal integrity can lead to heavy dependence on a toxic person. This makes it almost impossible to get out of unhealthy relationships on your own.

Mental disorders

For a long time, people who have been in toxic relationships often suffer from mental disorders - depression, neuroses, panic attacks, and increased anxiety. This is a consequence of the emotional tension that exists between people. There is a risk that mental disorders will sooner or later negatively impact a person's physical condition. So as soon as you notice the first signs of your partner's toxicity, you better leave this toxic relationship even if you love this person. 

How to leave a bad relationship when you still love the person? 

Even realizing the emotional discomfort of being in a relationship with a partner, many people do not attempt to do anything to get out of a toxic relationship. They fear loneliness, guilt, shame - the feelings that the manipulator most likely developed in their victim over the years. And the victim, in turn, thinks: "it's better this way than to be alone," "I'll stay, because sometimes I feel good with him/her," "what will people say if I start to change something in my life."

And often, harmful interactions with people around you are your own choice. After breaking off one toxic relationship, you immediately find another manipulator and a liar. Thus, you form a habit. If you are not able to build a constructive, trusting relationship with a partner over and over again because of unhealthy behavior, read on to get the most efficient tips to change something in your life:

1. Become aware of the situation. Don't be afraid to admit that you are in a toxic relationship.

2. Define your environment. Understand how they treat you, how much they do in return, and what they demand. After that, do you still have friends and family around?

3. See the relationship between the emotions from communication and the actions of the person. Understand if they are harmful to you or not.

4. Identify the reasons that led to this relationship. For example, low self-esteem, the need to fill the emptiness inside, the desire to depend on someone. If you find it challenging to figure out the reasons yourself, you can sign up for a consultation with a relationship counselor.

5. Write down the expected outcome of this toxic relationship if you don't break it.

6. Answer the following questions:

• Will you sleep better?
• Will you be able to do your favorite hobby?
• Will you travel, go on vacation more often?
• Will you become proud of yourself?
• Will there be any fear remaining in your life?
• Will you be happy?
• How will your life change?
• What will you do if you don't have to take care of this person?

7. Develop a plan to leave this relationship. If you decide to stay, figure out how to talk to the person and stop treating yourself that way. If you choose to go, think carefully. Often such people are prone to violence and are unpredictable, which means it is necessary to ensure your safety. Consider the worst-case scenarios, and probably even find an apartment in advance.

8. And the last thing - do not look for new relationships right away. This new person will not save you from a toxic bond and does not have to heal your wounds. It will be suitable to bide your time, increase your self-esteem, and work out the reasons for entering toxic relationships.

We often fail to realize that we are in a toxic relationship. And it's even harder to figure out how to get out of it. But it is possible, and you will find a happy, calm, harmonious life with a worthy person in the future. The main thing is to understand the reasons and do not be afraid to leave the person who brings up low self-esteem and insecurity in your life.