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Why We May Marry the Wrong Person
Why We May Marry the Wrong Person
Though we may tend to think of marriage as perfection and that happy ending, it’s not always that way. Even if you may aspire to have that happiness, it can’t possibly transpire if you marry the wrong person. You know that you've seen this couple before, the one that is mismatched on every level. You may even be living through such a relationship and ill-fated marriage. It may make you wonder just why so many people end up marrying the wrong person in the first place.
Aside from the fact that some people simply shouldn't be together, what else goes wrong here? How can even the smartest people make the mistake of marrying somebody that they are so clearly mismatched with? There are a variety of reasons that we marry the wrong person, and we’ll explore those in depth. In the end it’s a matter of making a bad decision and choosing love at the moment over thinking through the future on a more practical level.
Though there are several reasons to attribute marrying the wrong person on, in the end it all boils down to some inherently bad decisions. It’s taking that wrong path or trusting that somebody will change, when clearly they will not. If you want to understand the foundation of ill fated marriages, then it all comes down to a lack of understanding, desire to change things that we can’t, and therefore trusting in the long term love or institution of marriage to “fix” everything.
Here we look at the most common reasons that marriages fail, and ultimately why we marry the absolute wrong person in the first place.
One: We Clearly Don’t Take the Time to First Understand Ourselves
When we think of the ideal mate it’s a matter of finding somebody who fits certain criteria for what we are sure will make us happy. They have to be funny or smart or have a certain professional or personal plan for their life. It’s not to say that these criteria are wrong or flawed, but are they really what will ultimately make us happy? If you dig deep then you will find that our own happiness is based upon getting to know ourselves first and foremost.
We all have flaws and they are easy to identify in other people — but have we looked deep down to understand our own? If we’re really honest as we’re seeking out a mate, are we first comfortable and aware of who we are and therefore in tune with what we want? If you don’t take the time to get to know yourself first, then how can you ever envision a perfect partner?
You have to consider where you come from, what your background is all about, what your history is in relationships and in life experiences, and then consider who you are and what makes you that way. Gaining an understanding and appreciation for what makes you the person that you are will help you to uncover the type of person that you really want to be with.
How can you figure out where you want to go if you don’t consider where you've been? In order to identify the right type of person that you want to marry, you have to consider what makes you happy and what provokes or works against you. It’s when you find that fine balance that you know you've met your match — and that’s what you need to strive for.
So when it comes down to it, without a clear and proper understanding of who we are and what makes us that way we can’t possibly find the perfect mate. We may spend our entire lives figuring out who we are, but starting with exploring that can help us to focus on the right type of match. It’s only when you understand yourself that you can truly find a good match for your needs for the rest of your life.
Two: We Truthfully Don’t Understand Others
If you don’t know yourself well then you can’t possibly understand others. You are not in a position to understand the way that others are wired or how they work, and so there is no true meeting of the minds. We try to get to know our mate and we think we know them, but do we really understand their makeup deep down?
There is great mystery in understanding the psychological makeup of people, and that’s what really matters. Getting to know their family and friends is great. Understanding what they do for a living, or even what they want in their future is helpful. This doesn't help to narrow down the type of person they are or how their mind works, and so we find ourselves stuck at square one moving forward without even realizing it.
We need to understand who they really are as a person deep down and what makes them work before we commit to marrying them. We need to understand them beyond the surface level elements and get into the really detailed elements, and this only comes through time spent together and really working to get to the heart of the issue — and in all honesty most of us don’t really do that.
We need to get to the heart of the issue and spend time really getting to know this other person before us. We obviously all put our best face forward, but it’s looking beyond that and seeing what’s really inside that tells us so much. Understanding if this is truly the type of person that we want to spend the rest of our lives with after getting to know them on a truly intimate level — that’s the only way to really tell for sure!
Three: We Don’t Understand or Feel Worthy of True Happiness
Do we really have a grasp on true happiness? Better yet do we feel that we’re worthy of it? Deep down do we understand feelings of true happiness as an adult? Far too many of us have perceptions of happiness that aren't really all that accurate. We may wish to find happiness, but we’re not even clearly defined on what that includes in our own minds.
If we don’t know what to focus on for pure happiness, then how can we find that in a mate? Getting married to somebody because it feels right or we THINK that it’s happiness is never going to work. You have to know and feel true happiness and be able to identify it. Not only that but you have to know without a doubt that this person brings you that happiness.
Taking the time to identify what makes us happy and what that means to us is a helpful exercise. This is the only way to pinpoint happy sentiments and to be certain that they come to us from this person that we’re with. If we’re trying to make up some sort of happy equation based on childhood perceptions, then it’s only going to result in failure and cause us to crash and burn. Our definition of happiness is going to change as we grow older, so find out what yours is before you get married and try to go after that “happy ending”.
Four: We Convince Ourselves That Being Single Is Torture
If you’re marrying out of desperation or as a means by which to change your marital status, then you’re heading down a disastrous path. Simply getting married so that you’re not alone anymore is a terrible way to start out this new chapter of your life. We convince ourselves that being alone is horrible and that we must get married to find happiness-and this is wrong!
We buy into these societal beliefs that in order to accomplish things in life and find true happiness, that we absolutely have to get married. We have to cross something off our check list and the only way to get there is to get married and finish the equation. This is not a good foundation for being with somebody for the rest of your life, and it also wreaks of desperation.
You have to start by understanding that being alone is not the worst thing in the world. Marrying somebody simply because you don’t want to be alone is far worse. Buying into the notion that being single is punishment is cutting yourself too short. Sometimes being alone for awhile is the only true way to identify what makes you happy, and therefore allow you to move forward with your life. So forget about making marriage your next step or thing to cross off, as the single life has some distinct advantages — and it just might help you to get to a true happy ending if you wait it out.
Five: We Allow Our Instincts to Rule Far Too Much
We are so driven by our instincts, fate, or what we believe to be truly “meant to be” that it can cloud our judgment. We want to believe that we met this person because they are the one we are meant to spend our life with, but what is that based on? Guess what — sometimes your own instincts can be very wrong!
It used to be that marriage was an arranged and very logical transaction, nothing more and nothing less. Now we are so clouded by romantic visions that we buy into the idea that our instincts will help guide us to the right person. There are so many books out there that tell us to believe in marriage and finding the right person that it’s easy to be tricked.
Using instinct to guide you to that great love is never going to work. Nor is using only your instinct to let you decide solely if this is the right person for you. So put that thinking aside and though romance is a very attractive idea, start to get more logical about it. Recognize that instinct alone is not going to secure a happy or healthy marriage, so start looking at things more carefully and quit following some romantic idea alone.
Six: We Don’t Get the Information That We Really Need in Advance
If only they made a school for marrying the right person then we’d all be much better off for it, but unfortunately they don’t. When marriages were arranged our parents looked at a potential suitor brought to the table and that helped to make the very logical decision and end transaction. We moved forward and progressed, but we also learned to lead with our heart and not with our mind.
It’s time to start gathering the information we really need to decide if this is our true mate for all time. You want to ask a lot of questions and understand what their opinions and views on important issues are. You want to study them and understand what they want out of life. You also want to see how closely aligned you are to them in your views and outlook on life.
Some great questions to ask can help to school on you what you need in advance or marriage. Knowing these things in advance could save the trip down the aisle and ensure you stay out of divorce court. Think through the following and get clear cut answers to make your decision logically. Understanding things like:
- Who are their parents and what is their background?
- What are their cultural beliefs?
- What assets do they have?
- What baggage do they bring to the table?
- What does their relationship history look like?
- How aligned are they on their beliefs?
- Do they want children and what does that look like in their life?
- What are their sexual preferences?
- What does intimacy mean to them?
- What are they like when they get angry?
- How many friends do they have and what are they like?
- What do they want in their future?
- What does financial freedom mean to them?
- How important of a role does their family play in their life?
- How do they handle free time?
Getting to the heart of the issues and gaining insight and information on this person is the only way to truly know if they are right for you. Marriage shouldn't be something you jump into, but rather something that you are truly informed upon so that you can make the right decision.
Seven: We Want to Capture Happiness and Bottle It Up For Eternity
Maybe we felt happy with this person at some point in time. Maybe something about them made us happy. We saw that as a fleeting glimpse into what could be a happily ever after, and so we jumped at it. Though it may not seem that way, having a happy day or moment with somebody does not necessarily mean that we will have a happy rest of our life with them.
Though we want to believe it’s true, marriage doesn't freeze that happy moment at all. Marriage actually causes us to feel stress like never before. It causes us to doubt this person and have so many issues with them that we’re sure that it can’t possibly be the same person, can it? We were once happy with them and now we despise them and that just shows that happiness can’t be frozen for use at a later date.
Though you may try to get married to recapture that happiness and make it permanent, it won’t work that way in reality. You have to work for it and you have to understand what true happiness is. Just because you went through a happy time period or stage doesn't mean that it will always stay that way. Be able to look beyond just happiness in the moment and happiness forever, because there’s a major difference.
Eight: We Believe We Will Beat The Odds
But we’re a happy couple, we couldn't possibly become one of the statistics. We’re happy together, we've been together a long time, we’re truly each others soul mate, and therefore divorce could never be what defines us—sound familiar? Don’t you think that everyone believes that they won’t be the couple who ends in divorce?
Guess what? Everyone thinks that they are special and that divorce will happen to other people. They want to believe that they can beat the odds because they are happy together. Neither of us will grow or change, or cheat, or get tired of being with each other. We are a true love story that is meant to be, and it is that philosophy that can ruin a marriage.
There’s a reason that there are so many sad statistics on divorce. If you aren't looking at them with open eyes and you truly believe that you are special and that you are an exception to the rule, then you are setting yourself up for disaster. You have to recognize that even the best couple can fail and falter, and go in with your eyes wide open.
Everyone has happy moments but that doesn't mean that you’re special. It also doesn't mean that you are exempt from the statistics. Go in with a realistic approach, know your problem areas, and recognize that yes you too could end up being the ones who are part of the statistic. You may beat the odds, but you may also be part of the trend too. So go in knowing this and don’t think that you are too special to beat the odds!
Nine: We Just Want to Stop Dating
We’re tired of the games and so rather than continuing to play them, we feel that marriage is much easier. Being single and dating is pure hell at times, and so we don’t want to be part of that. We find somebody who seems serious and doesn't play games with us and we are sure that this is what marriage is supposed to be based off of.
If you are getting married simply because you are tired of dating or heartache or getting pulled into games, then that’s not a good basis. Sure you may find somebody that you enjoy dating and that doesn't yank your chain, but is that a foundation to spend the rest of your life with them? No, but far too many of us just want to give up on dating and get tied down once and for all.
We’re tired of the dating, the whole process, and the way it makes us feel. So when we are actually in an adult relationship where we’re not getting hurt all the time, we’re convinced that we’re ready to get married. Don’t fall into marriage with the first person who treats you well. Also be sure that you don’t get married just as a means by which to quit the dating game.
If you are tired of the games or dating then take a step back. Don’t just jump into marriage with the first person that makes dating fun again. Don’t just marry somebody because dating has gotten boring or troublesome. This will only ever hurt you and ensure that your marriage is doomed from the start!
If you want to get married then you need to think about why you’re doing it. You can’t go about it just as a means to an end. Getting married just to ensure that you’re not single or that you don’t have to date anymore will end in disaster. So too will dating without really getting to know this person or what they are all about — that will end in disaster every time!
Every couple has the potential to fall into the statistics of divorce. If you are marrying the wrong person or haven’t gained enough insight or information about them in advance, then you are heading down the path to divorce rather than happily ever after. Be in control of what you get in marriage and picking the right person for the right reasons. If you don’t think with a clear mind and only use your instincts or romance to guide you, then you are selling yourself short. Look at marriage with a logical view and you can enjoy marriage the way it was intended to be, and that’s what really matters in the end.
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