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Virgo · Looking for: Man, 32–42
• I’m a superhero. Special power: I go invisible in large crowds and hallways. (My daughter claims it’s because I’m short. Wtf does she know, she’s 16.)• I don’t have a single tattoo. I’m not opposed, I just wish they were animated.• I love tattoos! Head to toe.• I am not politically correct.• I hear “MOMMMM... YOU CAN’T SAY THAT!” every single day. I usually respond “ohhhh... F*ck!”. If there’s such thing as social Tourette’s, I might have it.• Two piercings. One there ? and one there ?• If you’re 6ft or taller, I will laugh at you if you’re scared of heights.• I hate pubic hair. On the body is gross. On toilet seats, bathtubs, floors, pillows, it’s freaken disgusting!• I hate crowds... But if there’s live music and a couple beers, I’M IN! I absolutely love live music.• I don’t recycle. I’m not opposed to it, I just don’t do it.• I’m hella excited about the zombie apocalypse. Team Zombie!• I do have a checklist for what I definitely don’t want in my life (see below). Otherwise, you’re golden.• I’m not looking for a dad for my daughter, and I don’t want your babies. I had one, I got fixed, end of. Please note: I don’t have the ex parent baggage or the freak child who makes life miserable for anyone I date. She’s respectful, welcoming and independent.• I’ve never had a hamburger. Yes I’m vegetarian. No it’s not about the animals. I’d eat them bloody, they just make me sick.• I don’t want to go hunting or fishing with you. Wait! If it’s hunting Sasquatch.... HELLS YEAH! F*CK YEAH!. Driving to the mountains to put a pole and some string in some water... no. Never.• I’ve never drank a cup of coffee. I like my tea. I don’t care what you eat or drink.• I don’t cook.• People smell. Especially Elevator People. Bus People are the worst.• My English is crap. I wish it was because it’s my second language. It’s not, I don’t know any other languages.• There’s a reason I don’t have loads of photos. I’m shy, and fatter then average (not beached whale fat, jeeze). If we meet, don’t be heartbroken when you don’t see a model. Just being honest.• Been told I smile too much. Dimples are deceiving, like now actually. They make you look like you’re smiling, even in those “oh f*ck, what have I gotten myself into” moments.• I’m not controlling or one of those women that freaks out about you going out with friends. Enjoy life, and your friends.• Not only do I drive, but I drive a stick. Bus People smell awful, remember? I do drive an orange jeep. Yes, I know it looks like a midget bus, it makes me smile.• I’m socially awkward so I need someone who isn’t, because well… it’s just easier that way. • Oh, and I swear.It might sting a little... Or a lot.• You must not live in mommy’s or daddy’s home/garage/basement/car/tent because it’s free. And FFS please don’t call them mommy or daddy!• You must know how to do your laundry and know how to put a sheet on the bed.• Hopefully you drive, and I don’t care what you drive. I won’t be impressed if your car is straight off the set of the fast and the furious. Equally, I won’t be impressed that you ride your bicycle to work because it’s “good for the environment”.• No criminals please.. wait, I guess it depends on the crime and situation. We’ll talk.• No virgins, or nearly virgins. I don’t want you if you’ve only had one or two girlfriends… and that was around high school…. but she really loved you…. because she talked to you that once, so you stalked her… but that doesn’t count because you were in the area anyway o.O• If you look like you belong on a rapist/child molester warning poster, I’m not interested.• You must not see “shadow people” or have been abducted by aliens.• Bald men are sexy, balding men look like they’re on the poster I mentioned earlier.• Please, if you’re socially awkward, don’t message me. It’s hard enough already.
