Allana, 39
Offline, last seen Tue, 14 Oct 2025 21:58:09
About Me
I hope this moment sees you well, Welcome! This is I…on a page. I will try to convey with words some of my essence. It cannot compare to coming face to face and feeling, yet it can make a meeting palpable. No smoke or mirrors here to attract you, I seek something real and deep and that is done as I am and not by misrepresentation. I hope you, dear reader, are of the same mind. Now drink in my words and allow them to color your mind. English is my second language, first cuss word (unbeknown to me) I learned was motherfu….I gleefully told my new found word to my stepfather. That didn’t go over well. Imagine me now at the age of 10 in my older brother’s bedroom where several of us have convened to tell jokes. My turn, oh yes, I think I have a good one; the mere image of it in my head has me snickering before I utter a single word. In the deepest voice I can muster, I say “A big fat man walking down the street” I immediately lose it and laugh so hard that I can no longer speak, everyone is looking at me and can’t help themselves from laughing. Repeatedly I say the phrase, each time laughing harder than before. For once, I got more laughs with the lamest joke EVER in the history of jokes, merely from my own reaction, than my brother. Not much has changed since I was ten; I still sometimes hear a certain phrase or picture in my head and bust out laughing uncontrollably. Laughing is surely one of life’s greatest pleasures. I have loved unconditionally, no matter how much it hurt and tore I loved regardless. This is not description of bitterness, but rather of my capability of loyalty and loving beyond measure. I believe in love. I have experienced betrayal of the worst kinds, I’ve endured and come out the other side with no plots of revenge and a heart free of hate. Some have told me I am too nice, but it is what I value most in myself. My character is dear to me in only the way I see clear not what anyone thinks it should be. . My eulogy will rival that of Gandhi’s…kidding. My outside probably doesn’t measure to what is ideally attractive in society’s eyes, but hell it’s just a vessel to hold my awesomeness in ;0) I have one last story to tell you reader before you go. After I had my first child and moved ten hours from everyone and everything I knew, something in me changed that I did not immediately recognize as something that would ultimately make my world small. The anxiety beast with panic attacks that turned into agoraphobia. What is this you wonder, my best explanation I can give you is when I am not on medication fear is ever present, of what I haven’t a clue. With the medication, I now only feel this way when I venture into public, so someone I trust must be with me, my fight or flight response is unpredictable and can kick in with no apparent cause. Struggling with this, after divorce, my only option was to live with my mom. Now perhaps you wonder what a relationship would be like with someone like me, and are worried at how I would need you. Well I think you just might need me too, it is human nature to need others in one way or another. Will I lose myself in you, well no, I will always remain who I am. Can we venture out? Yes please, let us visit beautiful places with lots of nature for me to photograph. Let’s find a dive bar with only a few patrons to sit and giggle. Let us visit a museum during a day that isn’t overpopulated. Let’s find a place on the beach, be serenaded into peace by the waves. How about camping, fishing, or laying on a blanket in a place where every star is visible. It is my hope that getting out enough will help me venture farther; I am a great person if you dare to look beyond my anxiety, for I am so much more than it. Whatever we can imagine
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